Day 647

Thursday | December 5th, 2013

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It’s no secret for me that secrets shut me down. This was the case with blogging and then marrying Meow. Suddenly there were swaths of life I wasn’t allow to talk about. My blogs are my journals, honesty, brashness, clarity, and truth. Fiction is between the lines for sure, but behind every sentence is a true event or feeling driving the writing to that place where I’ve laid it all down for anyone with an internet connection to peruse. It’s my way and it’s what I’ve been most comfortable with since landing in 2002.

So when a secret popped up in August and Meow said not to breath the words carrying that secret it was too easy to step back. What am I to write about if I can’t write about the all-encompassing secret that is going to upstage my life? There’s lots to pen, but if I’m not going to write my life and its happening (fiction filtered or not), what is the point of keeping one’s journal?

And, yes, to be sure there was that pesky summer heat issue which made it impossible to sit in front of any machine in our hanok without air conditioning. Give me a coupla reason to not do something and I’ll convince myself it’s not worth picking up again.

And then staying away is even easier when that secret is still consuming your non-working thoughts. Add a sweet new iOS game, failing computer equipment, and the spices of life and I thought perhaps this latest flirtation with blogging was done. (Life) Without Seoul was to follow in the paths of Supercklin, At.om, Trace, I are Meat, I are Dream, and all the other scattered mini-blogs.

Yesterday, I considered starting a new blog. A new design. A new name. A new domain (you should see the cool names I’ve got registered). But why? I like that this blog is not just writing or just photography. This blog is the first to have a gentle balance of both … and as I thought about it more, I saw that I wasn’t ready to put this down. A similar thing happened with Taekwondo the day before yesterday. Though I started classes in September, I missed half of October and a lot of November. I considered quitting that one too. But the gains from Taekwondo are too numerous. I’ve lost a fair amount of weight, for instance. I can fit into slacks that Meow bought me four years ago when I was fully entrenched in The CEC. Grasp that: I can wear clothes that I’ve been too fat to wear for four fucking years. And I’m thinking about quitting Taekwondo? So I can … play my game more?

Ah yes, the game, Terraria, the best fucking game I’ve ever played. So great is this game that I’m pissed that what I get on my iPad is a watered down version. So great is this game that I want to buy a Windows machine to burn hours playing this game. So great is this game that I was spending 4-8 hours a day playing it. That’s right, since it was released and I happened to download it on the day it was released, I’ve play almost every single day for at least three hours. So great is this game that it’s the ultimate slacker crack. Fuck drugs, I have Terraria. Fuck drinking, I have Terraria. Fuck friends, I have Terraria. Fuck life, I have Terraria.

The moment I saw how much I’d been playing this game, I stopped. I let life almost stall while I have been playing Terraria. Wow.

I need to blog because it keeps me sane. It will also, apparently, help me to break my “I have Terraria” three hour a day crack habit. I need Taekwondo because it will keep me healthy. I also need Taekwondo because it will help prepare me for that upstaging event. Terraria isn’t gonna prepare me for shit. (Although, when it comes to building a gilded gold sky castle with fancy doors and vaults I’m not bad.)

The secret. It’s all about the secret. At first Meow didn’t want anyone to know. So I acted all Mr. Secret about our movements and engagements. Then she decided that telling people would make the secret more likely to happen because then our friends would be sending us their positive energy and thoughts. She didn’t tell me that she was telling people though.

The secret is that we are trying to adopt. We have a chance to be parents which is something that we both gave up on with great sadness years ago. We accepted the dogs and we thought that would be all we could get. But someone said they would help us and be our advocate and so we’ve been clawing our way to this goal since August when I stopped writing.

(no more for today)

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