Day 346

Thursday | February 7th, 2013

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Thursday. It’s still winter, I’m still bored. How bored can one man get? I saw and actively engaged in the downloading, then viewing of Howard the Duck. I sort of wanted to see it when I was a kid. Ducks? I liked ducks. Space? I fucking loved space. Duck in space? Very fond memories of Pigs in Space.

The thing about train wrecks is they are pretty spontaneous. It’s not like in a car where you can see the bad stuff about to happen and attempt to get away from it. A train is on a singular path with only two choices of direction. Given the speeds of a train, the engineer tends to go gently and avoid spontaneous events.

Howard the Duck is definitely a train wreck, but where most films derail after they run out of ideas, this wrecks before the protagonist sits down on the screen. The thing is, if you’re going to go parallel universe it has to be parallel universe which means humans. This tard factory goes Earth-ish planet with Earth identifiable politicos and celebraties and then mocks them up in duck-couture. Simply put: wtf?

Then there’s the scenes of duck and hot girl kissing, duck and hot girl in bed, duck saving hot girl, and my favorite it’s-because-it’s-space-we-can-shit-on-children-with-our-retarded-ideas of late, the Dark Overlords of the Universe. Little blue homosexual boy and an older bear living in mushrooms in the forest was a gazillion times cooler and those guys didn’t even try that hard.

Upon sitting down to write out my experience of Howard the Duck, I learned Howard the Duck was a comic book (thank you, computers), an existentalist comic book—something written out for the loving masses. And then, further sealing my fate in 2013, I happened on this List of Films Considered the Worst. I want to watch them all (well, okay, the ones I haven’t already seen).

The only other notable experience of Day 346 in Gyeongju was going out to feed Cat.

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Nothing has changed in Cat’s universe. No duck related traumas to share. Just the same old Cat. Feed me or I’ll pretend to kneed you lovingly and use my claws!

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Some of these images may be shocking to the average viewer. After watching Howard the Duck, I’m just not sure that it’s possible to feel emotive shock.

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All these pictures of Cat. Clearly, I’ve been damaged by my viewing of this film and I’m desperately reaching for some semblance of my old, innocence. Another 400 pictures of Cat should do the trick.

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Some damages … can never be undone. Thank you Human Centipede. Thank you Germany or whichever European country fucked up those people so much that they contrived a film about a sociopath that kidnaps and sews people together. Thank you America for not nuking whatever country that is when things started to look weird. The world needed Howard the Duck, but not Howard the Duck 2, yet somehow we have Human Centipede 2. There are no nice films left, are there?

The Daily Bullet

I find LEGO Cat to be a soothing elixir after visual ordeals.

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