Day 225

Tuesday | October 9th, 2012

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It’s no secret that I’m drowning. I’m just not talking about it. Talking about it makes me feel even more pressed, more pinched in the gut. But I’m drowning. It probably doesn’t show. On the outside maybe I look together, organized. But on the inside … forgetting is up, muscle knots staying, misplacing important piece of paper with notes commonplace, and seething. I hate these moments. I hate not being prepared. I hate that feeling, the one where no matter what I do, no matter how hard I push, it still feels like I slept a whole day through and the world didn’t tell me. A running joke is on, but I’m clueless.

There’s no shame or blowback in admitting you’re overwhelmed, just, that sink of downward stock. I’d rather go along and let this work itself out. (I can do this.)

Maintain calm. Exit in an orderly fashion. Women, children, and panic first. Ideas go last, wrapped in cellophane. And … I gotta stop running. I think that’s part of it. I can see it sitting over there, on my shelf. Bundled with the most important things more than ten years ago and never opened once in Korea, the folder.

I pick it up, removed the clip. The clip is rusted. I’m wondering if I’ve opened this before, perhaps in Daegu when I first arrived and forgotten all about that moment. What could be here? … notes, lots of notes. Criticisms from Botterman, more notes and fragments for varios things: The City, The Order of Fork. Oscar and Bernadette are in there. How did they come to Korea? Odd choices I made come back often. Looks like there’s a journal as well. That’s my cue, clip it up and throw it back on the shelf. Not yet.

The Daily Bullet

One the way to work, I saw my friend the smokestack. He was being sectioned off by Chinese day laborers for the new sauna that’s going in. On the way home, I saw he was only halved. More oddity in the day. Why only have half a smokestack? Is it too expensive to tear down completely? Was there some danger of it tipping? My neighborhood doesn’t need another sauna. It needs a Starbucks, a Victoria’s Secret, a COSTCO, a Toys R Us, a cineplex, a Ben and Jerry’s, a Hooters, a Strip Club, a dock, a Taco Bell, a Phoenix College, a 405 bridge, a Red Robbin, a Kiva, a Six Train, a Central Park, and the list goes on.

Empty. That’s how this town feels sometimes. It may well be one of the least branded places in Korea.

Daily Report

I didn’t sleep last night. I struggled to write or create a script that would grab an .mp3 from a folder, open it, insert markers in pre-determined places, split the audio file into eleven segments based on those

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Gyeongju

Out beyond the fake lake (Bomun) for Christmas Day lunch at a place called the Healing Kitchen. It’s all farms and hilltops here. And roads to more farms and hilltops. Except for the noise from the cars, I

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The Fourth Wall

I’m here and alive. Ten days behind the reality of my written life, yet here and alive. TOEIC is the predominant motif of life from the end of the semester until … today. This is the end, after

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This Old Hanok

When we had the bathroom done, we wanted to design our own window for the part of the wall which straddles the storage space along the side of the house. This way we could have clean airflow through

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